I’m working on a lot of “improvements” right now. I bought a blender so I could start making green smoothies and get more vegetables in my body. I’ve scheduled a personal color analysis and have David Kibbe‘s Metamorphosis book coming to me in the mail. As mentioned, I’m also working my way through Carol Tuttle’s “Dressing Your Truth” informational videos — those are all tools I am using to create a minimalist capsule wardrobe. I want everything in my closet to fit, look great, be made well, and be worn frequently. I realized I was stressing out a lot about what to wear for “real work days,” and so part of eliminating stress in my life (I’m too young to be stressed!) is to tackle this whole wardrobe thing. And I’ve got to say, I’m having a great time with it.
My job stresses me out. There, I said it. It stresses me out. I constantly worry that I’m not working hard enough, or that my hard work has created an incorrect or insufficient result, and that my bosses are going to talk one day and decide that I’m not useful, and fire me. But, at the same time, I am not enjoying most of what I do, and so, yes, a tiny part of me wonders if it would really be so bad, if that were to happen.
But I don’t have any idea what sort of job I would want to have, otherwise. This job is changing a lot of the perceptions I have had of myself up until now. Yes, I’m organized and detail-oriented, and I can be pretty sharp on remembering various details and puzzle pieces. But I don’t want that to define my job; I don’t like the fact that I am responsible for other people NOT being those things. I defined myself in that way when I applied for this job. I indicated that I enjoyed being organized, and keeping teams, etc, on track and cohesive was fun for me. While that was true, it did not directly translate to this job and this level of organization and organizing others.
I have to make a spreadsheet now, which seems like both busy work and something too complicated for me to deliver well. I’m stressing about it, and so have been procrastinating for about two hours, since I woke up and saw the email.
I’m writing this particular blog post to get out some of my thoughts, and to tell myself that if I do a good job, it will be a good job… even though I don’t know if I believe that. When I finish my work today I am going to read the “Zero Hour Work-week” and probably spend a lot of time thinking critically about what I’m really passionate about, and would like to just spend all day doing. Right now the things that come to mind are bras, feminism and fashion, interior organization and minimalism, and the “big issues” which relate to those things… it might be silly to think that teaching 12-year-old girls that band sizes don’t start at 34 and cup sizes don’t end at DD would end teen pregnancy, but hey, it’s definitely not more far-fetched than whoever though abstinence-only sex ed programs would!
I need to think about this more… after I make my spreadsheet.